Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one