Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
You Might Also Like
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!