Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Breaking news:
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
the rocks need my help
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.