A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
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ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”