the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Yup
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert