I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
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The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”