When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*