MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.