Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
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I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again