I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
love it when they get my name right
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.