*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Jumpford & sons
• billy BOIIIING thorton
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?