i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
is frankincense just very honest incense?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally