(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it