6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
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Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Somebody’s lying.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.