As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Fight
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”