this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*praying for world peace*
God:
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.