Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
BaD BoY!!
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?