I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.