casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.