waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
gm
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?