Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
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*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Butt weight. There’s more!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.