Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.