“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
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ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Cardio Made Easy
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-