When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.