‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream