I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Living the best life.. 😊
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1