My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
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Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I laughed at this way too hard.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.