At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.