when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.