Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
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My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it