“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
When I laugh on my period
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Just had my nails done!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Jesus Christ lmao
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.