My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache