if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I put the h in mysterious.
why isn’t he texting back
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?