I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised