I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
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A Short Story.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Food gives you energy to nap more.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
HOW DARE YOU