Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket