Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Phonetics
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
new record!
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me, in DM rooms…
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍