[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Stop it! 😂
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.