Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You Might Also Like
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.