@MagentaPapi

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

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@impaulmccoy

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

@JB4Realz

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

@chrismollica

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@Kim_pulsive

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

@envydatropic

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

@impaulmccoy

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.