No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
good work, everybody
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.