Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Not all heroes wear capes….
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!