My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.