Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.