Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
IT’S-A ME,
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy