I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Worst perfume name ever.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”