Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
rapatouille
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.