boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
house sitting!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after