The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.