I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]