Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
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My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Kids: Stay in school.
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A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency