Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Monday Lisa
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″