I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
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GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.